


I Want To Be

by aingealcethlenn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-29 01:25:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15062024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aingealcethlenn/pseuds/aingealcethlenn
Summary: Who does Dean turn to when he thinks he’s hit bottom?





	I Want To Be

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song "The Man I Want To Be"
> 
> Word Count - 851

Here I am, _driving around aimlessly_ , trying my _damnedest_ to figure out what to do.

Despite his best efforts - I’ve seen him at his worst.  
That mark… it was like alcohol.  
It didn’t turn him into the evil bastard he became, it just enhanced the feelings he already had.

It was like fucking alcohol.  
It made him honest.

And now that it’s gone…? O, the fights we have…  
God knows I try not to hold it against him… I know he hates himself for some of the things he said and did while he had that damn thing on his arm.

_I love Dean, I do. I just wish he…_

_What am I saying? If you love someone, you love their flaws too, right? Or at least accept ‘em?_

_No, dammit, fuck this. It was just a stupid fight like always! I need to get back to the bunker. I need to get back home. I need to get **back** to Dean._

I don’t think I’ve ever pushed that pedal to the metal so hard in my life… Pulling into the garage, I looked at the clock on my dash.

_11:45_

It was late. Hopefully not _too_ late.

Silently, I made my way to Dean’s room. His door was open, which was odd. Looking around the corner carefully, I saw him sitting on the edge of the bed. Feet planted on the floor, arms resting on his knees, his hands folded in front of him. He had his head down. **  
**

_What is he doing?_

“Uh… God. Uh, I _mean… Chuck_ … Look, man, I’m down here on my knees, figuratively… ‘cause it’s the last place left for me to fall, I think…” he seemed to grimace at his own words, but from this view that face seemed to crumble.

“I _don’t… pray_. You know that. But. I’m desperate here. I’m _beggin’_ for another chance,” he prayed, his voice quiet and… emotional??

“If there’s _any_ chance at _all_ ,” his voice was thick and deep, “that you might still be listenin’ from wherever you ran off to…”

I leaned against the door frame silently, continuing to listen to him… _pray_ …

“I’ve spent my whole life gettin’ it _all_ wrong,” he continued gruffly after clearing his throat. “Love… _life_ … _every_ thing. I, uh, sure could use your help here Chuck. I don’t know how, but something needs to change. Hell, _I_ need to. I’m willing to do that for Y/N… I want to be the kind of man I won’t hate seeing in the mirror. Not the… _fuckin’_ ,” he spat, looking for more words, “… _monster_ I see staring back at me now. I’m gonna be a strong man and admit that I was _wrong_ … And Y/N doesn’t deserve someone who’s wrong… _so_ much.” **  
**

I could feel the tears starting to sting my eyes.  
  
 _He can’t honestly think so little of himself can he?  
This is my fault, isn’t it? Always bringing up the negative when we fight._

“Oh, and uh, if there’s any way for you to send over a freakin’ _miracle_? 'Cause it’s goin’ to _take_ a miracle after all I’ve done to really… convince her to stay.”

I laugh inaudibly, a few tears flooding over the lids of my eyes. I wipe them away, and try to will myself into the room… to kiss away those out-of-place emotions.

“I want to be a strong man,” I heard him murmur. “I want to be a _brave_ man. Not someone who keeps running. I need her, _God_.” He lifts his head and looks up at the ceiling, but then closing his eyes, reprimanding himself. “ _Uh_ , I mean _Chuck_.”

He opened his eyes again and was staring at his ceiling. “I want to be the kind of man she… might _dream_ about. I want to be her’s and I only hope she still believes in the man I want to be.” **  
**

I finally manage to make my feet move. Standing in front of him, I whisper, “Well, I do.” I pull him into me, his head resting on my stomach, his arms wrapping around my hips and pulling me in even closer. I can feel his tears finally fall, and soak my shirt.

“I know this late at night the talk is cheap,” he said after settling down a small bit, “but please don’t give up on me baby.”

“ _Dean_ ,” I murmur tearfully. “I will _never_ give up on you. Ever. I _promise._ ”

“And Dean, maybe I don’t want one of those ‘dream’ men. I don’t want some… ‘knight in shining armor’, babe. I want a _hunter_ , who _protects_ the world. A hunter who risks everything, including his own life over and over, for those that he loves. You are _my hunter_ , Dean Winchester.”

I tug his hair, so he’s looking up my torso. I run my hands through his hair, brushing it back from his face, and laugh through my nose when his eyes close briefly at the sensation.

“ _Screw_ a knight in armor on a white horse,” I say emphatically, “when I have the _perfect_ hunter, in a _beautiful_ fucking black Chevy.”


End file.
